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We are to be so far removed
from avenging ourselves that we willingly risk being taken advantage of again.
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Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of
all men. ~ Romans 12:17
As we clearly saw in the last lesson, holding onto an offense of
unforgiveness is like holding a debt against someone. When one person is
wronged by another, he believes that a debt is owed to him. He expects a
payment of some sort, whether monetary or not.
Our court system exists to avenge wronged or injured parties. Lawsuits
result from people trying to satisfy their debts. When a person has been hurt
by another, human justice says, “They will stand trial for what they have done
and pay if found guilty,” The unforgiving servant wanted his fellow servant to
pay what he owed, so he sought his compensation in the court of law. This is
not the way of righteousness.
Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for
it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.” Says the Lord. ~ Romans 12:19
It is unrighteous for us as children of God to avenge ourselves. But
that is exactly what we are seeking when we refuse to forgive. We desire, seek,
plan, and carry out revenge. We will not forgive until the debt is paid in
full, and only we can determine the acceptable compensation. When we seek to
correct the wrong done to us, we set ourselves up as judges. But we know:
There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you
to judge another? Do not grumble against one another, brethren, lest you be
condemned. Behold, the Judge is standing at the door! ~ James 4:12; 5:9
God is the just Judge. He will pass righteous judgment. But He will
repay according to righteousness. If someone has done wrong and genuinely
repents, Jesus’ work at
You may say, “But the wrong was done to me, not to Jesus!”
Yes, but you don’t realize the wrong you did to Him. An innocent
victim, He bore no guilt while every other human had sinned and was condemned
to die. Each one of us has broken laws of God that transcend the laws of the
land. All of us should be condemned to death by the hand of the highest court
in the universe if justice is served.
You may have done nothing to provoke the wrong you incurred at the hand
of another. But if you contrast what was done to you with what you’ve been
forgiven of, there is no comparison. It would not even put a dent in the debt
you owe! If you feel cheated, you have lost your concept of the mercy extended
you.
No Gray Grudge Areas
Under the Old Testament covenant, if you trespassed against me, I had
legal rights to bring the same back on you. Permission was granted to collect
on debts, repaying evil for evil (see Leviticus 24:19; Exodus 21:23-25). Law
was supreme. Jesus had not yet died to set them free.
Look how He addressed new covenant believers.
You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a
tooth.” But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on
your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and
take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to
go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants
to borrow from you do not turn away. ~ Matthew 5:38-42
Jesus eliminates any gray areas for grudges. In fact He says that our
attitude is to be so far removed from avenging ourselves that we are willing to
open ourselves to the possibility of being taken advantage of again.
When we seek to correct the wrong done to us we set ourselves us as a
judge. The unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 did this when he put his fellow
servant in jail. In turn this unforgiving servant was turned over to the
tormentors, and his family sold, until he should pay all.
We must make room and give place to the just Judge. He rewards
righteously. Only He avenges in righteousness.
I was ministering on the subject of offenses at a church in
“You still have not forgiven him,” I told her gently.
“Yes, I have,” she said. “I have cried tears of forgiveness.”
“You may have cried, but you still have not released him.”
She insisted that I was wrong and that she had forgiven him. “I don’t
want anything from him. I have released him.”
“Tell me what he did to you,” I asked.
“My husband and I pastured a church. He left me and our three boys and
ran away with a prominent woman in the church.” Tears formed in her eyes. “He
said he’d missed God by marrying me because it was God’s perfect will for him
to marry the woman he ran away with. He told me she was an asset to his
ministry because she was much more supportive. He said I was a hindrance. He
said I was critical. He put all the blame of the marriage breakup on me. He has
never come back and admitted that any of it was his fault.”
This man was obviously deceived and had greatly wronged his wife and
family. She had suffered much from his actions and was waiting for him to pay
back a debt. The debt was not alimony or child support, for her new husband was
providing all this for her. The debt she wanted him to pay was to admit that he
had been wrong, and she had been right.
“You won’t forgive him until he comes to you and says that he was
wrong, that it was his fault, not yours, and then asks for your forgiveness.
This is the unfulfilled payment that has kept you bound,” I pointed out to her.
If Jesus had waited for us to come to Him and apologize, saying, “We
were wrong, You were right. Forgive us,” He would not have forgiven us from the
cross. As He hung on the cross, He cried out, “Father, forgive them, for they
do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). He forgave us before we came to Him
confessing our offense against Him. We are admonished by the words of the
apostle Paul: “Even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (
When I told this woman, “You won’t forgive him until he says, ‘I was
wrong -- you were right,’” tears streamed down her face. What she wanted seemed
small in comparison to all the pain he had brought to her and her children. But
she was in bondage to human justice. She had set herself up as a judge,
claiming her right to the debt and waiting for payment. This offense had
hindered her relationship with her new husband. It had also affected her
relationship with all male authorities because her former husband had been her
pastor as well.
Often Jesus likened the condition of our hearts to that of soil. We are
admonished to be rooted and grounded in the love of God. The seed of God’s Word
will then take root in our hearts and grow and eventually produce the fruit of
righteousness. This fruit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (see Gal. 5:22-23).
But ground will produce only what is planted in it. If we plant seeds
of debt, unforgiveness, and offense, another root will spring up in place of
the love of God. It is called the root of bitterness.
Francis Frangipane gave an excellent definition of bitterness: “Bitterness
is unfulfilled revenge.” It is produced when revenge is not satisfied to the
degree we desire.
The writer of the Book of Hebrews spoke directly about this issue.
Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will
see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;
lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become
defiled. ~ Hebrews 12:14-15
Notice the words “many become defiled.” Could this again be the “many”
Jesus said would be offended in the last days (see Matthew 24:10)?
Bitterness is a root. If roots are nursed -- watered, protected, fed,
and given attention -- they increase in depth and strength. If not dealt with
quickly, roots are hard to pull up. The strength of the offense will continue
to grow. We are therefore exhorted not to let the sun go down on our wrath (see
Eph. 4:26). Now instead of the fruit of righteousness being produced, we will
see a harvest of anger, resentment, jealousy, hatred, strife, and discord.
Jesus called these evil fruits (see Matthew 7:19-20).
The Bible says a person who does not pursue peace by releasing offenses
will eventually become defiled. That which is precious will end up being
corrupted by the vileness of unforgiveness.
A Potential King Defiled
Earlier in the studies we looked at how David remained loyal to King
Saul even when Saul was not loyal to David. David did not seek to avenge
himself, even when given the opportunity twice. David was a man after the heart
of God. He let God judge between Saul and him. When God’s judgment fell upon
Saul, David did not rejoice. He grieved over Saul for he held no bitterness
toward him.
After Saul’s death, David ascended to the throne. He strengthened the
nation, enjoyed military and financial success, and held the throne securely.
He married many wives who bore him children, including Amnon, his oldest son,
and Absalom, his third-born son.
David’s son Amnon committed a wicked offense against his half sister
Tamar, who was Absalom’s sister. He pretended to be ill and asked his father to
send Tamar to serve him food. When she did, he ordered the servants out and
raped her. He then despised her and had her removed from his sight. He had
disgraced a virgin royal princess, devastating her life with shame (2 Samuel
13).
Without saying a word to his half brother, Absalom brought his sister
into his own home and provided for her. But he hated Amnon for defiling Tamar.
Absalom expected his father to punish his half brother. King David was
outraged when he heard of Amnon’s wickedness, but he took no course of action.
Absalom was devastated by his father’s lack of justice.
Tamar had once worn the royal robes which were reserved for the king’s
virgin daughters; now she was robed in shame. She was a beautiful girl and had
probably been held in high esteem by the people. Now she lived in seclusion,
unable to marry because she was no longer a virgin.
It was unfair. She had attended Amnon at the king’s command, and she
was raped. Her life was over, while the man who committed this atrocity lived
as if nothing had happened. She bore the weight of it all, her life in
shambles.
Day after day Absalom saw his grieving sister. The perfect existence of
a princess had become a nightmare. Absalom waited a year for his father to do
something, but David did nothing. Absalom was offended by his father, and he
hated the wicked Amnon.
After two years his hatred for Amnon birthed a plot to murder him. “I
will avenge my sister since the proper authority chooses to do nothing,”
Absalom probably thought.
He threw a feast for all the king’s sons. When Amnon did not suspect
him, Absalom had him killed. Absalom then fled to Geshur, his revenge
accomplished against Amnon. But the offense he carried against his father
burned stronger, especially while he was away from the palace.
Absalom’s thoughts were poisoned with bitterness. He became an expert
critic of David’s weaknesses. Yet he hoped his father would call for him. David
did not. This fueled Absalom’s resentment.
Perhaps these were his thoughts: My father is hailed by the people, but
they are blind to his true nature. He is only a self-seeking man who uses God
as a cover-up. Why, he is worse than King Saul! Saul lost his throne for not
killing the king of the Amalekites and sparing a few of their best sheep and
oxen. My father had committed adultery with the wife of one of his most loyal
men. Then he covered his sin by killing the man who was loyal to him. He is a
murderer and an adulterer -- that is why he did not punish Amnon! And he covers
all this up with his fake worship of Jehovah.
Absalom stayed in Geshur for three years. David had been comforted over
the death of his son Amnon, and Joab had convinced the king to bring Absalom
home. But David still refused to meet Absalom face-to-face. Two more years went
by, and David finally returned Absalom to favor and granted him full privileges
again. But the offense in Absalom’s heart stayed just as strong.
Absalom was an expert in appearances. Before he murdered Amnon, “Absalom
spoke to his brother Amnon neither good nor bad. For Absalom hated Amnon” (2
Sam. 13:22). Many people are able to hide their offense and hatred as Absalom
did.
Out of this offended critical attitude, he began to draw to himself
anyone who was discontented. He made himself available to all
He seemed to be concerned for the people. The Bible says Absalom stole
the hearts of
Experts on Error
Absalom drew
Absalom was, in fact, killed by his own bitterness and offense. The man
with so much potential, heir to the throne, died in his prime because he refused
to release the debt he thought his father owed. He ended up defiled.
Assistants to leaders in a church often become offended by the person
they serve. They soon become critical -- experts at all that is wrong with
their leader or those he or she appoints. They become offended. Their sight is
distorted. They see from a totally different perspective from God’s.
They believe their mission in life is to deliver those around them from
an unfair leader. They win the hearts of the disgruntled, discontent, and
ignorant, and before they know it they end up splitting or dividing the church
or ministry. Just like Absalom.
Sometimes their observations are correct. Perhaps a leader has areas of
error. Who is the judge -- you or the Lord? Remember that if you sow strife,
you will reap it.
What happened to Absalom and what happens in modern ministries is a
process that takes time. We are often unaware that an offense had entered our
hearts. The root of bitterness is barely noticeable as it develops. But as it
is nursed it will grow and be strengthened. As the writer of Hebrews exhorts,
we are to look “carefully… lest any root
of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled”
(Heb. 12:15).
We must examine our hearts and open ourselves to the correction of the
Lord, for only His Word can discern the thought and intentions of our hearts.
The Holy Spirit convicts as He speaks through one’s conscience. We must not
ignore His conviction or quench Him. If anyone has done this, repent before
God, and open your heart to His correction.
A minister once asked me if he had acted as an Absalom or a David in
something he had done. He had served as an assistant to a pastor in a city, and
the pastor fired him. It seemed that the senior pastor was jealous and afraid
of this young man because God’s hand was on him.
A year later the minister who was fired believed the Lord wanted him to
start a church on the other side of the city. So he did, and some of the people
from the church he had left came over to join him. He was troubled because he did not want to act as an Absalom, but he
was apparently not offended with his former leader. He started the new church
from the leading of the Lord, not out of responding to the lack of care at the
other church.
I pointed out to him the difference between Absalom and David. Absalom
stole the hearts of others because he was offended with his leader. David
encouraged others to stay loyal to Saul even though Saul was attacking him.
Absalom took men with him; David left alone.
“Did you leave your church alone?” I asked him. “Did you do anything to
encourage people to come with you or support you?”
“I left alone and did nothing to draw people with me,” he said.
“That’s fine. You have acted as a David. Make sure the people who come
to you are not offended with your former pastor, and if they are, lead them to
freedom and healing.”
This man’s church is now prospering. What I appreciated so much about
him was that he was not afraid to examine his own heart. Not only that, but he
submitted himself to godly counsel. It was more important to him that he was
submitted to God’s way than that he was proven “right.”
Do not be afraid to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal any unforgiveness or
bitterness. The longer you hide it, the stronger it will become and the harder
you heart will grow. Stay tenderhearted. How?
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away
from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:31-32
Next Week: Escaping the Trap