You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder, and
whoever murderers will be in danger of the judgment.” But I say to you that
whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the
judgment. And whoever says to his brother, “Raca!” Shall be in danger of the
council. But whoever says, “You fool!” Shall be In danger of hellfire. Therefore
if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.
First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. ~
Matthew 5:21-24
This quote comes from the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus started by saying, “you
have heard that it was said to those of old…” Then He said, “But I say to you…”
Jesus continues this comparison throughout this portion of His message. First He
quotes the law that regulates our outward actions. then he shows its fulfillment
by bringing it into the heart. So in God’s eyes a murderer is not limited to the
one who commits murder; he is also the one who hates his brother. What you are
in your heart is how you really are!
Jesus clearly delineates the consequences of offense in this portion of His
sermon. he illustrates the severity of holding anger or bitter offense. If one
is angry with his brother without a cause, he is in danger of judgment. He is in
danger of the Council if that anger bears fruit and he calls his brother “Raca!”
The word raca means “empty-headed,” or fool. It was a term of reproach used
among the Jews in the time of Christ. If that anger reaches the point where he
calls a brother a fool, he is in danger of hell. The word fool means to be
godless. The fool says in his heart there is no God (see Psalm 14:1). In those
days to call a brother a fool was quite a serious accusation. No one would say
such a thing unless the anger they bore had turned to hatred. Today it would be
comparable to telling a brother, “go to hell,” and meaning it.
Jesus was showing them that not dealing with anger can lead to hatred. Hatred
not dealt with would put them in danger of hell. That He said that if they
remembered their brother was offended with them, they were to make it top
priority to find him and seek to be reconciled.
Why should we seek with such urgency to be reconciled -- for our sake or for our
brother’s sake? We should go for his sake that we might be a catalyst to help
him out of the offense. Even if we are not offended with him, the love of God
does not let him remain angry without attempting to reach out and restore. We
may have done nothing wrong. Right or wrong doesn’t matter. It is more important
for us to help this stumbling brother then to prove ourselves correct.
There are limitless scenarios for offense.
Maybe the person we have offended believes we were unjust in our treatment of
him, when in reality we did him no harm. He may have inaccurate information
which has yielded an inaccurate conclusion.
On the other hand, he may have accurate information from which he has drawn an
inaccurate conclusion. What we said may have been grossly distorted once it was
processed through the various channels of communication. Though our intent was
not to harm, our words and actions gave a different appearance.
Often we judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their actions.
It is possible to intend one thing while communicating something totally
different. Sometimes our true motives are clearly hidden even from us. We want
to believe they are pure. But as we filter them through the Word of God we see
them differently.
Finally, maybe we did sin against the person. We were angry or under pressure,
and he got the brunt of it. Or maybe this person has constantly and deliberately
lashed out at us, and we were responding in kind.
No matter what caused it, this offended person’s understanding is darkened, and
he has based his judgments on assumptions, hearsay, and appearances, deceiving
himself even though he believes he has discerned our true motives. How can we
have an accurate judgment without accurate information? We must be sensitive to
the fact that he believes with his whole heart that he has been wronged. For
whatever reason he feels this way, we must be willing to humble ourselves and
apologize.
Jesus is exhorting us to reconcile even if the offense is not our fault. It
takes maturity to walk in humility in order to bring reconciliation. But taking
the first step is often harder on the one who is hurting. That’s why Jesus told
the person who caused the offense to “go to him…”
Asking Forgiveness of One Who Is Offended
The apostle Paul said:
Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which
one may edify another. ~ Romans 14:19
This shows us how to approach a person we have offended. If we go with an
attitude of frustration we will not promote peace. We will only make it
difficult for the one who is hurt. We are to maintain an attitude of pursuing
peace through humility at the expense of our pride. It is the only way to see
true reconciliation.
On certain occasions I have approached people I have hurt or who were angry with
me, and they have lashed out at me. I have been told I was selfish,
inconsiderate, proud, rude, harsh, and more.
My natural response has been to say, “No, I’m not. You just don’t understand
me!” But when I defend myself, it only fuels their fire of offense. This is not
pursuing peace. Standing up for ourselves and “our rights” will never bring true
peace.
Instead I have learned to listen and keep my mouth closed until they have said
what they need to say. If I don’t agree, I let them know I respect what they
have said and I will search my attitude and intentions. Then I tell them I am
sorry I have hurt them.
Other times they are accurate in their assessment of me. I admit, “You are
right. I ask your forgiveness.”
Once again it simply means humbling ourselves to promote reconciliation. Perhaps
this was why Jesus said in the next verses:
Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your
adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and
you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out
of there till you have paid the last penny. ~ Matthew 5:25-26
Pride defends. Humility agrees and says, “You are right. I have acted this way.
Please forgive me.”
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing
to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without
hypocrisy. ~ James 3:17
Godly wisdom is willing to yield. It is not stiff-necked or stubborn when it
comes to personal conflicts. A person submitted to godly wisdom is not afraid to
yield or defer to the other person’s viewpoint as long as it does not violate
truth.
Approaching Someone Who Has Offended You
Now that we have discussed what to do when we offend our brother, let’s consider
what to do if our brother offends us.
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you
and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. ~ Matthew 18:15
Many people apply this Scripture verse in a different attitude from the one
Jesus was intending. If they have been hurt, they will go and confront the
offender in a spirit of revenge and anger. They use this verse as justification
to condemn the one who has hurt them.
But they are missing the whole reason Jesus instructed us to go to one another.
It is not for condemnation but for reconciliation. He does not want us to tell
our brother how rotten he has been to us. We are to go remove the breach
preventing the restoration of our relationship.
This parallels how God restores us to Himself. We have sinned against God, but
He “demonstrates His own love toward [and for] us, in that while we were still
sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Are we willing to lay down our
self-protection and die to pride in order to be restored to the one who has
offended us? God reached out to us before we even acknowledged our offense.
Even though He reached out to us, we could not be reconciled to the Father until
we received His word of reconciliation.
Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus
Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was
in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to
them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are
ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you
on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-20
The word of reconciliation begins on the common ground that we all have sinned
against God. We do not desire reconciliation or salvation unless we know there
is a separation.
In the New Testament, the disciples preached that the people had sinned against
God. But when I tell people they have sinned? To condemn them? God does not
condemn. “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but
that the world through Him might be saved” (John 3:17). Is it rather to bring
them to a place where they realize their condition, repent of their sins and ask
forgiveness?
What leads men to repentance? The answer is found in Romans 2:4.
Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and long-suffering,
not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?
God’s goodness leads us to repent. His love does not leave us condemned to hell.
He proved His love by sending Jesus, His only Son, to the cross to die for us.
God reaches out first, even though we have sinned against Him. He reaches out
not to condemn but to restore -- to save.
Since we are to imitate God (see Ephesians 5:1), we are to extend reconciliation
to a brother who sins against us. Jesus established this pattern: Go to him and
show him his sin, not to condemn him but to remove anything that lies between
the two of you and thus be reconciled and restored. The goodness of God within
us will draw our brother to repentance and restoration of the relationship.
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the
calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with
long-suffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity
of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ~ Ephesians 4:1-3
We keep this bond of peace by maintaining an attitude of humility, gentleness,
and long-suffering and by undergirding each other’s weakness in love. The bonds
of love are strengthened thereby.
I have wronged people who have confronted me with condemnation. As a result I
lost all desire to be reconciled. In fact, I thought they didn’t want
reconciliation; they just wanted me to know they were mad.
Others I have wronged have come to me in meekness. Then I was quick to change my
outlook and ask forgiveness -- sometimes before they had finished speaking.
Has someone ever come to you and said, “I just want you to know that I forgive
you for not being a better friend and for not doing this or that for me?”
Then when they have blasted you, they give you a look that says, “You owe me an
apology.”
You are baffled and stand there and confusion in hurt. They did not come to
reconcile your relationship but to intimidate and control you.
You should not go to a brother who has offended us until we have decided to
forgive him from our hearts -- no matter how he responds to us. We need to get
rid of any feelings of animosity toward him before approaching him. If we don’t,
we will probably react out of these negative feelings and hurt him, not heal
him.
What happens if we have the right attitude and attempt to reconcile with someone
who has sinned against us, but he or she won’t listen?
But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that “by the mouth of
two or three witnesses every word may be established.” And if he refuses to hear
them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him
be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. ~ Matthew 18:16-17
Each of these progressions has the same goal: reconciliation. In essence Jesus
was saying, “Keep trying.” Notice how the one who caused the offense is involved
at every step. How often they take offenses to everyone else before we go to the
one who sinned against us, as Jesus told us to do! We do this because we have
not dealt with our own hearts. We feel justified as we tell everyone our side of
the story. It strengthens our cause and comforts us when others agree with how
badly we have been treated. There is only selfishness in this type of behavior.
The Bottom Line
If we keep the love of God as our motivation, we will not fail. Love never
fails. When we love others the way Jesus loved us, we will be free even if the
other person chooses not to be reconciled to us. Look carefully at the following
Scripture verse. God’s wisdom is available for all situations.
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ~
Romans 12:18
He says, “If it is possible…” because there are times when others will refuse to
be at peace with us. Or there may be those whose conditions for reconciliation
would compromise our relationship with the Lord. In either case it is not
possible to restore that relationship.
Notice that God says, “… as much as depends on you.” We are to do everything we
can to be reconciled with the other person, as long as we remain loyal to truth.
We often give up relationships too soon.
I will never forget the time when a friend counseled me not to walk away from a
very frustrating situation. “John, I know you can find scriptural reasons for
walking away. Before you do that, make sure you have fought this in prayer and
done all you can to bring the peace of God into this situation.”
Then he added, “You’ll regret it if you look back one day and ask yourself if
you did all you could to save this relationship. It is better to know that you
have no other recourse and that you did as much as possible without compromising
truth.”
I was very grateful for his counsel and recognized it as the wisdom of God.
Remember Jesus’ words:
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. ~ Matthew 5:9
He did not say, “Blessed are the peacekeepers.” A peacekeeper avoids
confrontation at all costs to maintain peace, even at the risk of compromising
truth. But the peace he maintains is not true peace. It is a touchy, superficial
peace that will not last.
A peacemaker will go in love and confront, bringing truth so that the resulting
reconciliation will endure. He will not maintain an artificial, superficial
relationship. He desires openness, truth, and love. He refuses to hide offense
with a political smile. He makes peace with a bold love that cannot fail.
God is this way with mankind. He is not willing that any should perish. But He
will not compromise truth for a relationship. He seeks reconciliation with true
commitment, not superficial terms. This develops a bond of love that no evil can
sever. He has laid His life down for us. We can only do likewise.
Remember that the bottom line is the love of God. It never fails, never fades,
and never comes to an end. It seeks not it’s own. It is not easily offended (1
Corinthians 13:5).
The apostle Paul wrote that love would overcome all kinds of sin.
And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more and knowledge and
all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you
may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the
fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of
God. ~ Philippians 1:9-11
The love of God is the key to freedom from that baited trap of offense. This
must be an abounding love, a love that continually grows and a strengthened in
our hearts.
So many in our society today are deceived by a superficial love, a love that
talks but does not act. The love that will keep us from stumbling lays down its
life selflessly -- even for the good of an enemy. When we walk in this kind of
love, we can not be seduced into taking the bait of Satan.
Next week: We will be reviewing the lessons we have covered, having a bit of
discussion, and some closure in these studies.