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Acquiring an offense keeps you
from seeing your own character flaws because blame is deferred to another.
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[They are] always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of
the truth. ~ 2 Timothy 3:7
I’m often asked, “When should I leave a church or ministry team? How
bad does it have to get?” I respond, “Who sent you to the church you presently
attend?”
The majority of the time they answer, “God did.”
“If God sent you,” I reply, “Do not leave until God releases you. If
the Lord is silent, He is often saying, ‘Don’t change a thing. Do not leave.
Stay where I have placed you!’”
When God does instruct you to leave, you will go out
with peace, no matter what the condition of the ministry.
For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth
with peace. ~ Isaiah
55:12
Therefore, your departure will not be based on the actions or behavior
of others but rather on the Spirit’s leading. So leaving a ministry is not
based on how bad things are.
To leave with an offended or critical spirit is not the plan of God. It
is reacting rather than acting on His guidance. Romans 8:14 says, “For as many
as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” Notice it does not
say, “For as many as react to difficult situations, these are sons of God.”
Almost every time the word son is used in the New Testament, it
comes from the two Greek words: teknon and
huios. A good definition for the word teknon is “one who is a son by mere fact of birth.”
When my first son, Addison, was born, he was John Bevere’s son by mere fact that he came from my
wife and me. When he was in the nursery in the midst of all the other newborns,
you could not recognize him as my son by personality. When friends and family
came to visit, they could not pick him out except by the name tag above his
crib. He did not possess anything that set him apart.
We find teknon used in Romans 8:15-16.
It says that because we have received the spirit of adoption, “the Spirit
Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children [teknon]
of God.” When a person receives Jesus Christ as Lord, he is a child of God by
fact of the new birth experience.
But to all who did accept him and believe in him he gave the right to
become children of God. ~ John 1:12
The other Greek word translated sons in the New Testament is huios. Many times it is used in the New
Testament to describe “one who can be identified as a son because he displays
the character or characteristics of his parents.”
As my son
So, to put it simply, the Greek word teknon
means “babies or immature sons,” and the Greek word huios
is most often used to describe “mature sons.”
Looking at Romans 8:14 again it reads: “For as many as are led by the
Spirit of God, these are the sons [huios] of
God.” We can see clearly that it is the mature sons who are led by the Spirit
of God. Immature Christians are less likely to follow the leading of the Spirit
of God. Most often they react or respond emotionally or intellectually to
circumstances they face. They have not yet learned to act only on the Spirit of
God’s leading.
As
One way the character of my son Addison has grown is by facing
difficult situations. When he started school he met up with some “bullies.” I
heard some of the things these rough kids were doing and saying to my son, and
I wanted to go and deal with it. But I knew that would be wrong. For me to
intervene would hinder
So my wife and I continued to counsel him at home, preparing him to
face the persecutions at school. He grew in character through obeying our
counsel in the midst of his suffering.
This is similar to what God does with us. The Bible says, “Though He
[Jesus] was a Son [Huios], yet He learned
obedience by the things which He suffered” (Heb. 5:8)
Physical growth is a function of time. No two-year-old child has ever
been six feet tall. Intellectual growth is a function of learning. Spiritual
growth is neither a function of time or learning, but it is a function of
obedience. Now look at what Peter says:
Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves
also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from
sin. ~ 1 Peter 4:1
A person who has ceased from sin is a perfectly obedient child of God.
He is mature. He chooses God’s ways, not his own. Just as Jesus learned
obedience by the things He suffered, we learn obedience by the difficult
circumstances we face. When we obey the Word of God which is spoken by the Holy
Spirit, we will grow and mature in the times of conflict and suffering. Our
knowledge of Scripture is not the key. Obedience is.
Now we understand one reason why we have people in the church who have
been Christians for twenty years, who can quote verses and chapters of the
Bible, have heard a thousand sermons, and read many books, but still wear
spiritual diapers. Every time they meet with difficult situations, rather than
responding by the Spirit of God, they seek to protect themselves in their own
way. They are “always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of truth”
(2 Tim. 3:7). They never come to the knowledge of the truth because they do not
apply it.
Truth must be allowed to have its way in our lives if we are going to
grow and mature. It is not enough to give mental assent to it without obeying
it. Even though we continue to learn, we never mature because of disobedience.
Self-Preservation
A common excuse for self-preservation through disobedience is offense.
There is a false sense of self-protection in harboring an offense. It keeps you
from seeing your own character flaws because the blame is deferred to another.
You never have to face your role, your immaturity, or your sin because you see only the faults of the offender.
Therefore, God’s attempt to develop character in you by this opposition is now
abandoned. The offended acter in you by this
opposition is now abandoned. The offended person will avoid the source of the
offense and eventually flee, becoming a spiritual vagabond.
Recently a woman told me about a friend of hers who left one church and
began attending another. She invited the new pastor over for dinner. In the
course of the conversation the pastor asked why she left the first church. The
lady told him about all the problems in the leadership of her previous church.
The pastor listened and attempted to comfort her. From experience I
know it would have been wise for that pastor to encourage the woman by the Word
of God to deal with her hurt and critical attitude. If necessary, he should
have suggested that she return to her former church until God released her in
peace.
When God releases you in peace, you will not have pressure to justify
your departure to others. You will not be under pressure to judge or critically
expose the problems your previous church had. I knew it would only be a matter
of time before she would respond to this new pastor and his leadership in the
same manner she had her previous one. When we retain an offense in our hearts,
we filter everything through it.
There is an old parable that fits this situation. Back in the days when
the settlers were moving to the West, a wise man stood on a hill outside a new
Western town. As the settlers came from the East, the wise man was the first
person they met before coming to the settlement. They asked eagerly what the
people of the town were like.
He answered them with a question: “What were the people like in the
town you just left?”
Some said, “The town
we came from was wicked. The people were rude gossips who took
advantage of innocent people. It was filled with thieves and liars.”
The wise man answered, “This town is the same as the one you left.”
They thanked the man for saving them from the trouble they had just
come out of. They then moved on further west.
Then another group of settlers arrived and asked the same question: “What
is this town like?”
The wise man asked again, “What was the town like where you came from?”
These responded, “It was wonderful! We had dear friends. Everyone
looked out for the others’ interest. There was never any lack because all cared
for one another. If someone had a big project, the entire community gathered to
help. It was a hard decision to leave, but we felt compelled to make a way for
future generations by going west as pioneers.”
The wise old man said to them exactly what he had said to the other
group: “This town is
the same as the one you left.”
How they viewed their past relations was their scope for their
future ones.
The way you leave a church or a relationship is the way you will enter
into your next church or relationship. Jesus said in John 20:23, “If you
forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any,
they are retained.”
We preserve the sins of other people when we pick up an offense and
harbor resentment. If we leave a church or a relationship resentful and
embittered, we will enter into the next church or relationship with that same
attitude. It will then be easier to leave our next relationship with that same
attitude. It will then be easier to
leave our next relationship when problems arise. We are not only dealing with
the hurts which took place in the new relationship but with the hurts from our
former relationship.
Statistics say 60 to 65 percent of divorced people end up getting
divorced again after remarrying. The manner in which a person leaves their
first marriage
determines the path into their second marriage. The unforgiveness they hold against their first mate hinders
their future for their own role or faulty characteristics. To make matters
worse, now they have the added fear of being hurt.
This principle is not limited to marriage and divorce. It can apply to
all relationships. A man who had previously worked for another minister came to
work for our ministry team. He had been hurt by this former leader; but time
had passed, and I felt the Lord was leading me to ask him to come
work with us. I believed he was in the process of overcoming this hurt.
I called his former employer and
shared my plans to bring him on staff. He encouraged me and thought it was a
good move because he knew I cared for both of them. He believed the healing
could be completed while he worked with us. I told both men that my prayer was
for restoration and healing in their relationship.
When the man joined our ministry team, there were problems almost immediately, I’d address the issue only to see temporary
relief. It seemed he couldn’t get beyond his former relationship. It kept
coming back to haunt him. He even accused me of doing the same things his
previous leader had.
I was troubled because the well-being of this man was more important to
me than what he could do for me as an employee. I made exceptions for him that
I would not make for any other employee because I desired to see him healed.
After only two months he resigned. He felt trapped in the same
situation as before. He left saying, “John, I will never work for another
ministry again.”
I blessed him and watched him go. We love him and his wife. The sad
fact is that there is a strong call on his life for the very thing he has left,
though that does not mean he won’t have success in other areas.
I was troubled after he left so I sought the Lord, “Why did he leave so
quickly when both of us felt so right about it?”
A few weeks later the Lord used a wise pastor friend of mine to answer
this question. “Many times God will allow people to run from situations He
desires them to face if they are set on running from them in their hearts.
He then relayed the story of Elijah, who ran from Jezebel (1 Kings
18-19). Elijah had just executed the evil prophets of Baal and Asherah. They were the men who had led the nation into
idolatry and had eaten at Jezebel’s table. When Jezebel heard this, she
threatened to kill Elijah within twenty-four hours.
God wanted Elijah to confront her, but instead he ran. He was so
discouraged that he prayed to die. He was in no condition to fulfill the
assignment. God sent an angel to feed him with two cakes and allowed him to run
for forty days and nights to
When he arrived, the first thing God asked him was, “What are you doing
here, Elijah?”
This seemed like a strange question. The Lord gave him the food for the
journey, allowing him to go, only to ask him when he arrived, “What are you
doing here?” God knew Elijah was set on escaping the difficult situation. So He
allowed it, though it is obvious from His question that it wasn’t His original
plan.
He then said to Elijah, “Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of
Damascus; and when you arrive, anoint… Jehu the son of Nimshi as king over
The pastor said to me, “If we are so set in our hearts not to face
difficult situations, God will actually release us even though it is not His
perfect will.”
I later remembered an incident in Numbers 22 that illustrates this same
point. Balaam wanted to curse
He asked the Lord the first time if he could go, and God showed him
that His will for Balaam was not to go. When the princes of
Now why did God change his mind? The answer is that God did not
change His mind. Balaam was so set on going that God let him go. That is why
His anger was aroused against Balaam when he did go.
We can pester the Lord regarding something for which He has already
shown us His will. He will then allow us to do what we want even when it is
against His original plan -- even when it is not in our best interest.
Often God’s plan causes us to face hurts and attitudes we don’t want to
face. Yet we run from the very thing that will bring strength to our lives.
Refusing to deal with an offense will not free us from the problem. It will
only give us temporary relief. The root of the problem remains untouched.
My experience with the young man that I hired also taught me a lesson
about offenses and relationships. It is impossible to establish a healthy
relationship with a person who has left another relationship bitter and
offended. Healing must take place. Even though he kept saying he had forgiven
his former leader, it was not forgiven.
Love forgets wrongs so that there is hope for the future. If we have
truly overcome an offense, we earnestly seek to make peace. The time may not be
right immediately, but in our hearts we will watch for an opportunity for
restoration.
A wise friend said late, “There is an old proverb which states, ‘Once a
dog has been scalded with boiling water he will even fear cold water.’” How
many today are afraid of the cold water that will bring refreshing because they
have been burned once and cannot forgive?
Jesus desires to heal our wounds. But we often do not let Him heal them
because it is not the easiest road to take. It is the path of humility and
self-denial that leads to healing and spiritual maturity. It is the decision to
make another’s well-being more important than your own, even when that person
has brought you great sorrow.
Pride cannot travel this path, but only those who desire peace at the
risk of rejection. It is a trail which leads to humiliation and abasement. It
is the road that leads to life.
Next Week: The Sure
Foundation